WEATHER WARNING: Wednesday 16th September

Cloud will have thickened up across most of the UK by daybreak, with shitloads of heavy rain and strong winds gradually moving north. This shitty weather will affect most of southern and central Britain during the day. Northern areas however, will mostly stay dry with some bright spells. With all that wind and rain about, it’s clear that things could get a little nasty out and about, so please take care.

Down on the farm, the first of several lorry loads of beer arrived ahead of the Rugby World Cup, which kicks off on Friday. Dolly is heart-broken that Leigh Halfpenny won’t be playing for the Welsh team as she usually likes to sit and strum her hairy guitar in front of the telly when he’s on. For me, I like her watching him because he gives her a proper throb-on that I can then take advantage of. Thanks Leigh.

Tuesday 15th September

A bit of a mixed bag for Tuesday. Plenty of sunny spells across the UK but there will be some grumbly rain clouds lurking around looking for trouble. If you’re an attractive female, you’ll need to ensure that you are wearing a thin white cotton T-shirt – this should help deflect any rain. The only places that will deviate from this weather is western areas of Scotland and the Northern Isles but no one really lives there so no one cares. Temperatures range from 14°C in Aberdeen to 16°C in Cardiff.

Down on the farm, things got very moist for us what with all that rain and that. After seeing all those strapping lads competing in the Ironing Man Challenge, I’ve decided that I’d like to have a go next year. I’ll be popping down to Argos in the morning to get myself a new Morphy Richards and maybe a new ironing board. I’ll teach them a thing or two.

Weather Warning: Monday 14th September

Heavy showers and longer periods of rain especially in Wales and across the Midlands for today. There’ll be some chunky thunderstorms chucked in for good measure and gales will pound the south west of England. The only place in the UK to remain dry and bright is the northwest.

Down on the farm, we were delighted to see Obi Wan Kenobi take over as the new leader of the Labour Party. We look forward to seeing him fighting off David Cameron over the dispatch box with a big red noisy sword.

Saturday 12th September

Rain will continue to move into Scotland throughout the day. Other parts of the UK should remain dry and sunny with maybe an odd shower hanging around. The breeze will stay pretty stiff. Oo-e missis.

Temperatures similar to yesterday – around 18°C down south – a little cooler up north.

Down on the farm, we were happy to see the return of Googlebox to our TVs. Nothing better than sitting down and watching people sitting down and watching telly on the telly.

Friday 11th September

It’s been another beautiful day here down on Honey Farm. So much so that Dolly decided to go topless and ended up burning all six of her nipples. That’ll learn her.

Tomorrow’s looking pretty much the same – lots of sunny skies for most of the UK, with temperatures around 17°C down in Cornwall and rising to a mighty 21°C up in Manchester. Rain clouds will move into northern parts of Ireland in the afternoon, bringing with it heavy and pissy rain to finish the day off. Nice and sunny too in Wales and Scotland.

Down on the farm, the European Court has ruled that the time it takes you to get to work is now classed as work. This is great news for us sheep – we’re going to spend all day ‘walking’ to our work and still get paid for it. God bless the European Union.

Thursday 10th September

Any early mist patches and low cloud will soon burn away to leave all of the UK with some lovely shiny sunshine. Feeling a little breezy along eastern coasts of England. It will feel pleasantly warm in the sunshine so make sure you cream up well. Maximum temperature 21°C.

Down on the farm, we were all delighted today to see Queen Elizabeth celebrating the longest reign of any British monarch. I’m sure Prince Charles is trying to tempt her into retirement with talk of a wonderful pension.

Best-selling Author of Sheep Erotica