White Christmas? More like SHITE Christmas

Christmas will soon be upon us and I’ve had a look at the latest charts to see if we are in for a lovely white Christmas.

The short answers is ‘like fuck we are’. A south west airflow is heading to the UK for Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and Boxing Day which means it’s going to be shitty wet weather. We may get a change to something colder after Boxing Day but that’s how things are looking at the moment. Sadly, that means that all bets of a White Welsh Christmas are off.

Ho ho ho and all that shit. If I were you, I’d go get yourself one of my lovely books to cwtch up with (click on the book here to browse my bookshelf)

Fifteen Grades of Hay The Complete Trilogy .

Derek xx

Monday 2nd November

A foggy start for most of us here in Wales tomorrow and it will take a few hours to shift. Once it has lifted, conditions will brighten, leaving us with a pretty pleasant day all round. Maximum Temperature 19°C.

Down on the farm, the girls are getting very excited by the news of I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here is due to start. We all like to sit around and watch the first episode so that we can play ‘Name the Celebrity’. Last year was a world record, when Dolly managed to name two of the so-called celebrities. We’re hoping to go one better this year and name three.

Sunday 1st November

A foggy start to the day over in the east of Wales, gradually brightening as the day goes on. Some areas may remain grey all day but brighter and sunnier spells can be expected in the north and west. Fog rolling in overnight. Maximum Temperature 18°C.

Down on the farm, it was Halloween fancy dress night. Mrs Honey got her massive pumpkins out for everyone to see and Farmer Honey dressed up as Dracula. His attempt at flying into the barn backfired spectacularly when the zip wire he’d rigged up snapped and he went tits first straight into the floor. Still, it wasn’t all bad as Dolly returned from her trick-or-treating experience with £500 that she’d blackmailed from some old woman who lives alone down the road. Bargain.

Saturday 31st October

A dull-as-a-turd start to the morning for many in Wales with fog and low cloud lingering like a heavy fart. Where the sun does break through, it will feel pleasant in the sun. Winds will be light. Maximum Temperature 18°C.

Down on the farm, everyone is getting ready for the Honey Farm Hallowe’en Fancy Dress Party. Dolly’s dressing up as Eamonn Holmes, Brenda’s going as Simon Cowell and I’ll be going as myself. Farmer Honey’s got stuff ready for the trick-or-treaters: a fully-loaded shot gun and some CS gas cannisters.

Friday 30th October

Overnight rain will continue into Friday morning, easing off a little before Loose Women comes on telly at lunchtime. Most of Wales will see a dry, bright afternoon and it’ll feel warm in the sunshine. Don’t get too excited though as more rain will pile into Wales by evening time. Pisser.

Down on the farm, the girls are looking forward to the weekend so they can grab some Skols in the barn and get totally twatted. Dolly’s desperate to find out who’s in the line up for the new series of I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here. Brenda on the other hand, couldn’t give a shit and would rather sit down and watch re-runs of This Is Your Life all day. They’re a funny bunch women aren’t they?

Thursday 29th October

A bit of a damp, wet fart of a start to the day but the rain should ease by midday. Sunny spells should develop as the afternoon goes on and things should stay dry right through to evening. Feeling a bit parky as night draws in. Maximum Temperature 14°C.

Down on the farm, we were amused to see Sepp Blatter trying to talk his way out of some tricky questions about his alleged involvement with some little brown envelopes. Farmer Honey was hoping to hire him as a farm hand but after recent revelations have come to light, he’s not sure if he’d start slipping people a fiver here and there so he can slip off work and head down The Albert. Oo, the slimy toad.

Wednesday 28th October

Any early morning mist or fog will lift, leaving most of Wales with some big shiny dollops of sunshine. Some rain is possible in the northeast in the morning and some showers may pop up later on down in the south. Other than that, all looking good. Maximum Temperature 15°C.

Down on the farm, we are celebrating the fact that we will have a least one Welshman in the Rugby World Cup final. Favourite Nigel Owens has been chosen to referee the game on Saturday and we are looking forward to him dishing out some sarcastic put-downs to the players. He’s not afraid to poke fun at himself. After a very dodgy throw-in by a Harlequins hooker, Owens piped up with immortal words “I’m straighter than that one.”

Respect indeed.

Tuesday 27th October

Overnight rain will continue to push east across Wales during the morning, affecting all parts of the country by early afternoon. Heavy downpours are possible. The only place that might get away with staying dry is the very northeastern part – and only then until early evening. Maximum Temperature 15°C.

Down on the farm, Paul the Pig was very pleased to hear that processed meats aren’t very good for human consumption. Farmer Honey has therefore decided to not slaughter the poor lad, and instead to offer him a permanent residency on the farm forever. Paul is currently celebrating by getting shit-faced on Skol and dry-humping all the lady pigs on the farm.

Saturday 24th October

Rather like my girlfriend Dolly, Saturday will wake up windy and wet. There will be some locally heavy downpours which will clear eastwards during the early part of the afternoon. With less cloud, conditions across Wales will become drier but colder. Expect some odd showers to rumble through. Maximum Temperature 15°C.

Down on the farm, we’ve all been getting a little bit cold stuck out in the barn so we’ve started snuggling up a bit more than we have been The problem with that is that I tend to wake up with an arse in my face, which is ok if it’s Dolly or Brenda but when it’s Juan or Dai Llama, it’s not the sort of start to the day I really want. Farmer Honey has ordered in some new hay and he’s also promised to insulate the walls better. He’d better make it a priority.

Monday 5th October

It will remain breezy throughout Monday with rain pushing northwards from the south west. There will follow some brighter weather behind but there will still be the risk of heavy showers. It will still feel warm in the sunshine if you get it.

Down on the farm, we are still recovering from seeing England being knocked out of their own World Cup. We felt sorry for them for a few minutes until Dolly reminded us that English rugby start Danny Cipriani had told everyone that not one of the Australian players would ever get into an England squad. In hindsight, he was probably right – I doubt any Australian would want to step into an English squad. We all celebrated down here on Honey Farm by drinking Skol, getting naked and giving each other a good seeing to. Apart from Tarquin, who simply sat in the corner with a hot water bottle and cried himself to sleep. A


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