Saturday 31st October

A dull-as-a-turd start to the morning for many in Wales with fog and low cloud lingering like a heavy fart. Where the sun does break through, it will feel pleasant in the sun. Winds will be light. Maximum Temperature 18°C.

Down on the farm, everyone is getting ready for the Honey Farm Hallowe’en Fancy Dress Party. Dolly’s dressing up as Eamonn Holmes, Brenda’s going as Simon Cowell and I’ll be going as myself. Farmer Honey’s got stuff ready for the trick-or-treaters: a fully-loaded shot gun and some CS gas cannisters.

Friday 30th October

Overnight rain will continue into Friday morning, easing off a little before Loose Women comes on telly at lunchtime. Most of Wales will see a dry, bright afternoon and it’ll feel warm in the sunshine. Don’t get too excited though as more rain will pile into Wales by evening time. Pisser.

Down on the farm, the girls are looking forward to the weekend so they can grab some Skols in the barn and get totally twatted. Dolly’s desperate to find out who’s in the line up for the new series of I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here. Brenda on the other hand, couldn’t give a shit and would rather sit down and watch re-runs of This Is Your Life all day. They’re a funny bunch women aren’t they?

Thursday 29th October

A bit of a damp, wet fart of a start to the day but the rain should ease by midday. Sunny spells should develop as the afternoon goes on and things should stay dry right through to evening. Feeling a bit parky as night draws in. Maximum Temperature 14°C.

Down on the farm, we were amused to see Sepp Blatter trying to talk his way out of some tricky questions about his alleged involvement with some little brown envelopes. Farmer Honey was hoping to hire him as a farm hand but after recent revelations have come to light, he’s not sure if he’d start slipping people a fiver here and there so he can slip off work and head down The Albert. Oo, the slimy toad.

Wednesday 28th October

Any early morning mist or fog will lift, leaving most of Wales with some big shiny dollops of sunshine. Some rain is possible in the northeast in the morning and some showers may pop up later on down in the south. Other than that, all looking good. Maximum Temperature 15°C.

Down on the farm, we are celebrating the fact that we will have a least one Welshman in the Rugby World Cup final. Favourite Nigel Owens has been chosen to referee the game on Saturday and we are looking forward to him dishing out some sarcastic put-downs to the players. He’s not afraid to poke fun at himself. After a very dodgy throw-in by a Harlequins hooker, Owens piped up with immortal words “I’m straighter than that one.”

Respect indeed.

Tuesday 27th October

Overnight rain will continue to push east across Wales during the morning, affecting all parts of the country by early afternoon. Heavy downpours are possible. The only place that might get away with staying dry is the very northeastern part – and only then until early evening. Maximum Temperature 15°C.

Down on the farm, Paul the Pig was very pleased to hear that processed meats aren’t very good for human consumption. Farmer Honey has therefore decided to not slaughter the poor lad, and instead to offer him a permanent residency on the farm forever. Paul is currently celebrating by getting shit-faced on Skol and dry-humping all the lady pigs on the farm.

Saturday 24th October

Rather like my girlfriend Dolly, Saturday will wake up windy and wet. There will be some locally heavy downpours which will clear eastwards during the early part of the afternoon. With less cloud, conditions across Wales will become drier but colder. Expect some odd showers to rumble through. Maximum Temperature 15°C.

Down on the farm, we’ve all been getting a little bit cold stuck out in the barn so we’ve started snuggling up a bit more than we have been The problem with that is that I tend to wake up with an arse in my face, which is ok if it’s Dolly or Brenda but when it’s Juan or Dai Llama, it’s not the sort of start to the day I really want. Farmer Honey has ordered in some new hay and he’s also promised to insulate the walls better. He’d better make it a priority.

Monday 5th October

It will remain breezy throughout Monday with rain pushing northwards from the south west. There will follow some brighter weather behind but there will still be the risk of heavy showers. It will still feel warm in the sunshine if you get it.

Down on the farm, we are still recovering from seeing England being knocked out of their own World Cup. We felt sorry for them for a few minutes until Dolly reminded us that English rugby start Danny Cipriani had told everyone that not one of the Australian players would ever get into an England squad. In hindsight, he was probably right – I doubt any Australian would want to step into an English squad. We all celebrated down here on Honey Farm by drinking Skol, getting naked and giving each other a good seeing to. Apart from Tarquin, who simply sat in the corner with a hot water bottle and cried himself to sleep. A


Thursday 1st October

Any mist and fog patches will clear away, leaving the UK with another fine, dry-as-arseholes day. Winds down south will eventually ease. That’s about as exciting as it’s going to get.

Down on the farm, Farmer Honey has been stocking up on Skol for the Wales game against Fiji. I don’t know how the players have recovered but we’re still reeling from the overload of beer last Saturday. We celebrated throughout the night with lots of orgies and nakedness. I’m hoping for the same again against Fiji.

Thursday 18th September

Another one of those mixed bag days – mostly fine up north while down south, mostly sunny but with a smattering of heavy showers. Central and southeastern parts of the UK will see most of the showers which is perfectly fine by me because I live in Brecon.

Down on the farm, Farmer Honey had an embarrassing incident at the local Kwik Save store this morning. He got out of bed but couldn’t find his underwear and instead of continuing to look for them, he gave up and simply stuck his trousers on without them. When he got to the kitchen, he clocked that he was out of teabags so hopped in the Land Rover and popped to the local store. He was at the front of a very long queue when he realised that he could feel something in his trouser leg. He gave it a good shake, only for his dirty undergrits to fall out onto the floor of the supermarket in front of the queue. Mortified, he quickly scooped them up and put them inside his pocket. What a minger.

WEATHER WARNING: Wednesday 16th September

Cloud will have thickened up across most of the UK by daybreak, with shitloads of heavy rain and strong winds gradually moving north. This shitty weather will affect most of southern and central Britain during the day. Northern areas however, will mostly stay dry with some bright spells. With all that wind and rain about, it’s clear that things could get a little nasty out and about, so please take care.

Down on the farm, the first of several lorry loads of beer arrived ahead of the Rugby World Cup, which kicks off on Friday. Dolly is heart-broken that Leigh Halfpenny won’t be playing for the Welsh team as she usually likes to sit and strum her hairy guitar in front of the telly when he’s on. For me, I like her watching him because he gives her a proper throb-on that I can then take advantage of. Thanks Leigh.

Best-selling Author of Sheep Erotica